How Did I Get Here? Becoming a Family Caregiver
It’s a question caregivers often ask themselves, sometimes out loud, more often in silence. But by the time this question surfaces, they’re usually already elbow-deep in the work of caring. It’s posed less as a request for understanding and more as a rhetorical sigh, uttered in moments of exhaustion.
But I wonder: what might happen if we actually took the time to answer it?
Tammy, a 63-year-old recently retired schoolteacher, asked me that question with a nervous chuckle. There was a conspiratorial edge to her voice as she leaned in, eyes searching mine, not just for conversation, but for clarity.
“How did I get here?”
Instead of answering, I asked her to define “here.” What did her here look like?
She blinked at me, then gave a half-laugh that turned bitter at the edges. “What do you mean, where is here? Can’t you see where I am?”
And then, as if she had been waiting for someone to truly ask, she painted the picture:
She goes to her parents’ home every day to help her mother care for her father, who has dementia. Her father can’t be left alone, so she either stays with him while her mother runs errands or she takes the errands herself. If she stays, she cleans. She vacuums. She cooks. She does the laundry.
She does it because she wants to help her mother, who is always tired, though she never complains.
But Tammy does. Not always out loud, but in her heart. She resents the way her days have changed. She watched her parents retire and enjoy life. She imagined her retirement would feel the same.
Instead, she feels her freedom slipping away, and with it, a growing bitterness that’s quickly followed by guilt and shame.
This is the emotional landscape of caregiving. It’s complex and not always comfortable. And that’s okay.
Some feelings are painful, some are messy, and some we’d rather ignore. But I encourage caregivers to feel them anyway; to acknowledge the full range of emotions without judgment. Describing where “here” is for them not only includes the physical but also the emotional. Where are their feelings? When do those feelings come up? How are their feelings contributing to their situation? How are their emotions serving them?
Because only by naming where we are can we begin to understand how we got there, and where we might go next.
Here is a convenient list of questions you might ask yourself:
- What is my situation? What event caused me to become a caregiver?
- How would I describe my relationship with my family member? Has it always been this way?
- How do I feel when I’m caring for my family member?
- How do my feelings change while I’m caring?
- Are there distinct emotions I feel when doing certain jobs? Make a list.
- Do these emotions help or hinder?
- How would I like to feel while I’m caring for my loved one?
These questions are a great place to start. You can find more helpful ideas in my book, Caregiving Reimagined: A Practical and Spiritual Guide for Family Caregivers.
Please, continue to care for yourself and others.
Claudia