The Value of Anger in Caregiving

I recently met Donna after one of my talks about my book. With tears in her eyes, she told me that so much of what I said had validated what she’d been feeling for years. Donna has been caring for her husband for a long time and has felt deep and complicated emotions, especially anger.

She admitted she’s been angry at him, angry at the situation, and even angry at herself for being angry. Then came the guilt and shame, piling on top of her rage until it sometimes left her feeling completely stuck. She said the emotions were so strong, they could immobilize her.

What struck her most during my talk was hearing that anger has value, that it can be acknowledged, even respected. For the first time, she felt it might be okay to feel what she felt.

Through my own experience caring for my mother, I came to see that anger can serve a purpose. Sometimes, it was the very thing that gave me the strength to advocate for her. When I felt my anger rising, it was usually a signal: Pay attention. Something deeper is happening.

Often, beneath the anger, there was fear or sadness. But I couldn’t reach those emotions until I calmed myself enough to explore what was going on. That’s when I began integrating a spiritual practice, one that helped me become more present and better able to listen to myself.

I would ask, What’s really happening here? What is the truth in this moment? I didn’t stop with the first answer. I kept asking until I landed on something that felt truly honest. Sometimes, all the answers were valid, but one was always hidden, quietly driving the others. When I could name the hidden truths, even if they were painful or unflattering, I could move forward with more clarity and compassion.

I share more about this in my book, Caregiving Reimagined: A Practical and Spiritual Guide for Family Caregivers, available at Amazon.com, BarnesandNoble.com, and https://www.archwaypublishing.com/en/bookstore