The Power of Curiosity: A Quiet Strength for Family Caregivers

During one of my visits with my mother, as she napped in her wheelchair, I found myself memorizing her face — trying to etch every detail into my mind for the day when she would no longer be here.

I studied the shape of her eyebrows, noticing the left sat slightly higher than the right, though the right had a more distinct arch. Her cupid’s bow was sharp and pointy, flattening into corners that widened when she smiled. Even without lipstick, her lips kept their rosy, pink hue, perfectly complementing her cobalt blue eyes; eyes I could still picture even as her lids rested closed.

I lingered on the folds that curved around her mouth like gentle parentheses, as if to mark this part of her face as the truest record of the life she had lived. Each smile and frown had deepened those grooves, but the smiles seemed to have won; her cheeks still lifted as if joy had settled in for good.

I reached for the peach lotion on her dresser and began massaging her hand, working my way to her elbow. These were the arms that had done so much for our family, the same arms that swept me off the last step of the school bus the day my kindergarten teacher put me on the wrong route. I still remember crying in relief on her shoulder, safe in her embrace. The memory made me smile.

It struck me then how memories work. As hers faded, mine seemed to surface more vividly, moments I hadn’t recalled in years finding their way to me in quiet, unexpected ways.

And in those quiet moments, with the sounds of the nursing home bustling in the background, I found myself wondering about her life before I knew her. The dreams she had. The adventures she lived. The heartbreaks and triumphs I never thought to ask about.

I wished I had asked her more when she could still answer.

As caregivers, we often hold the memories for our loved ones. But we can also be keepers of their stories, gathering them, preserving them, and carrying them forward.

Why should we be curious about our family members’ lives?
Because curiosity reminds us they are more than their illness. It deepens our connection. It helps us see the whole person, not just the chapter we’re living through at the moment. In the process, it also gives us comfort, perspective, and a richer sense of belonging.

It may be hard for our loved ones to answer questions when asked about favorites or bests. Try giving a prompt that may start a conversation, and then follow up with simple questions. Inviting our loved ones to reminisce through sensory cues, such as familiar smells, sounds, or tastes, can help spark meaningful memories from their life. Here are a few suggestions:

1.  Tell me about your elementary school. What color were the walls? What did it smell like? What songs did you learn? What did you like to do during recess?

2.  I remember going to Grandma and Grandpa’s home for dinner, and Grandpa always sat in the end seat. What were your dinners like when you were a child? Did you have special routines?

3.  I loved the way you decorated for the holidays. Did you enjoy decorating? What did you enjoy about it? Tell me about the traditions your family had.

4.  Growing up, you always made our weekends relaxing and fun. I remember one time…What were your weekends like when you were growing up?

The truth is, when we ask questions and listen to the answers, we aren’t just learning about them, we’re keeping them alive in ways that outlast memory itself.

You can find more insights, personal stories, and practical tools to support your caregiving journey in my book, Caregiving Reimagined: A Practical and Spiritual Guide for Family Caregivers.

Please, continue to care for yourself and others.

Claudia